What to Expect from Toddlers at the Table

Just when you get in a rhythm with baby…boom. They turn one and hit a whole new period of change. A baby who may have been sitting patiently in the high chair and eating well suddenly refuses their favorite foods, fights sitting in their high chair, and shakes their head “no”—to everything.

There are reasons why toddlers do what they do. Understanding the “why” of a toddler’s behavior is key to managing your emotions and staying calm at the table.

Expect your toddler to eat less than they did as a baby

It’s common for toddlers to eat less than they did as babies. The rate of growth is slower in toddlerhood than in infancy, meaning they grow less quickly. Toddlers are also more efficient at eating and drinking compared to infancy. The combination results in a child who is less hungry and less motivated to try new foods. Toddlers are also busy practicing new skills like walking, running, and jumping and have shorter attention spans to endure leisurely meals.

As a toddler’s growth rate slows, there may be days when your toddler barely eats anything, followed by days where they eat more than the adults in the home. This wide range is normal. Try not to focus on how much the child consumes daily. Instead, look at how much they eat throughout the week. Most healthy toddlers, if given a zero-pressure environment to eat, will not starve themselves.

Many parents start to worry during this growth and hunger slow-down and start pressuring the child to eat more food. Do not fall into this trap. It is well-documented that pressure—even in the positive form of praising a child for eating—increases the risk of picky eating.^{[1] [2] [3]} Nearly all children have the inherent ability to regulate their appetite from the moment they are born. Trust your child to do so. Any encouraging, nudging, reminding, pressuring, bribing, or force-feeding can backfire and lead to more selective eating.

If you feel like you have to “get” your child to eat enough to grow or gain weight, this suggests a larger issue and may require an evaluation by your child's medical provider.

If you are not sure what foods and nutrients to offer your toddler at this age, see our Toddler Nutrient Cheat Sheet for a quick guide.

My toddler doesn't eat enough

While we may think we know when our child eats enough or doesn't, the only person with access to the child's hunger cues is the child. If your toddler’s medical provider confirms they are growing along their growth curve, then however much they are eating is “enough”. If they are losing weight or their medical provider expresses concern about slowed growth, this warrants a full conversation with them (and likely additional evaluation) to determine why they are not eating enough to grow as expected. 

Many parents who worry their toddler is not eating enough find that their child is actually growing and developing just fine. We may have a skewed sense of how much food a toddler needs or we may feel thrown by the wide variations in how much a toddler is willing to eat at one meal vs the next. As parents and caregivers, we have to respect the child’s hunger and satiety cues—even if we suspect they are wrong—and allow them to live with the natural consequences that may occur—i.e., a little short-term hunger.

We can control three things:

• What we serve

• When we serve it

• Our attitude around meals and eating

The child controls if they eat and how much.

Children will make mistakes—under-eating or overeating—but making mistakes is an important part of the learning process. If you suspect your child did not eat enough, consider asking: "Have you checked in with your belly to make sure it had enough to eat?" and leave it at that. If they request a snack soon after, remind them that food is not available right now, and say: "I wonder if you are feeling hungry because you didn't fill your belly enough during lunch?"  

Forcing, encouraging, or making a child eat a certain amount can either:

• Decrease the amount they eat overall as they seek to control and refuse food more often

• Teach them that eating means pleasing their parents, which can lead to overeating and a child who doesn't listen to their body cues.

Expect fear of new foods (food neophobia)

Toddlerhood introduces a new phase of selective eating called neophobia, the fear of new things. This phase causes toddlers to be less open to trying new foods. Neophobia typically starts in toddlerhood, often around 18-24 months old.^{[4] [5]} Toddlers in the throes of neophobia might have happily explored new foods before and suddenly become skeptical and hesitant.

Some anthropologists believe that food neophobia is wired into toddler DNA. They suggest that neophobia would have been a wise protective response, making a child less likely to put a poisonous item into their mouth if they wandered away from a caregiver.^{[6] [7]} Regardless of its origins, neophobia is real and can be frustrating. Know that your toddler is not trying to be difficult when they refuse food and are simply wired to be resistant to it.

If you are struggling with food refusal, see our guide on Handling Toddler Food Refusal. 

Budding food preferences

Toddlerhood is a time for improved memory and preference or ideas about what foods and flavors they like and don’t like. While a baby might taste any food you put in front of them, a toddler knows they like certain foods more than others. Toddlers can now remember where to find their preferred foods, so you might find a child pointing at a snack cupboard or banging on the refrigerator, asking for whatever foods happen to be their favorites.

Remember: it’s your job to offer a variety of nutritious foods and foods the family enjoys. It’s the child’s job to decide whether they want to eat, and how much of which foods. When you cave to a toddler’s demands for preferred foods or snacks, you might see more food in the belly and avoid a tantrum in the short-term (and there are some nights when you need those short-term wins). But the more often you cater to their preferences, the more a child learns that they don’t have to try new foods: a tantrum or being stubborn will get them their favorites eventually.

Teething, especially the molars

Along with canines and lateral incisors, two big sets of molars come in during the toddler years. Primary molars often arrive between 13 and 19 months of age and the secondary molars between 23 and 33 months of age. By 27 months, all the baby teeth should have come in.^[8] These big molars are notoriously slow to come through the gums and cause a lot of drooling and discomfort. In the same way a baby or adult loses interest in eating when they don’t feel well, toddlers have similar responses to illness and discomfort.

It’s common for teething toddlers to refuse new, familiar, and even loved foods. Offer comfort, extra flexibility, and empathy, while also trying to maintain a normal mealtime routine, even if the child doesn’t want any of the food offered. If still nursing or drinking bottles, it’s not uncommon to see an uptick in milk feeds while picking at or refusing table foods. Return to your normal mealtime routine after the intense teething pain and discomfort pass.

Testing boundaries

Toddlers experience a strong developmental drive to test boundaries and be in control—two factors that contribute to selective eating. Expect big emotions, crying, and tantrums, and expect your child to push your limits.

Testing boundaries is normal and natural, but you shouldn’t allow dangerous or unreasonable behavior—despite their pushing, toddlers need boundaries to feel safe. Let these moments be an opportunity to reassure them that you can handle their big feelings and will keep them safe. Big feelings and pushing boundaries do not equal a “naughty” toddler. These are developmentally appropriate periods of brain development that are normal and expected.

Big ideas, limited language

Imagine you have a big idea but no words to describe it, or you’re thirsty but don’t know how to ask for water—this is a toddler’s life every day, and it’s incredibly frustrating for them. With their lack of language, a toddler will often communicate through grunting, pointing, banging, yelling, throwing, rocking, crying, or tantrums. It’s frustrating to have big ideas, big feelings, and big needs but limited language to express them. Further, your toddler has limited ability to understand all the words spoken to them. Even for toddlers with strong expressive and receptive language skills, it’s common to see misunderstandings and frustration—especially when they’re hungry.

Maintain a consistent feeding schedule, so mealtimes are predictable to prevent the child from getting overly hungry and angry, and try to respond empathetically when the child has big emotions or frustration from their limited language skills.

Self-regulation skills are still developing

Your toddler’s brain is not fully developed yet, and they’re still learning how to control themselves and their bodies. A toddler may explode over something minor, suddenly change their mind, or react forcefully to disappointment or not getting their way.

A toddler’s brain circuits are simply not refined yet—and they tend to rely on their reactive brain that immediately sends them into a fight, flight, or freeze mode. A toddler does not have the life experience, regulation, or problem-solving skills to know how to think ahead and act during challenging situations or when flooded with emotion.

As an adult, you understand expectations and environmental cues. You also have a wider capacity for stress, frustrations, and disappointments. You can also identify times when your capacity for dealing with challenges is limited, such as times when you aren’t at your best, tired, stressed, touched out, or distracted. Your fully developed pre-frontal cortex helps with this. Your toddler, on the other hand, does not have this luxury. When something happens, or they have a feeling they can’t explain or don’t understand, they react with actions, which can quickly derail a meal.

In moments of toddler dysregulation, it can be helpful to reframe the moment from a “won't” situation to a “can't” situation. Coined by Drs Tina Bryson and Dan Siegel, this allows you to reevaluate the moment and say, “My child can't sit still at this moment,” rather than, “My child won't sit still at this moment.”

If you are struggling with unwanted behaviors, read our guide How to Stop Unwanted Mealtime Behaviors. 

Saying "no" to everything

Toddlers are wired to explore, but they hear “NO!” dozens or hundreds of times a day. Constantly hearing “no” can lead to a low frustration tolerance and big emotional responses, including tantrums.

Remember, in these moments, the child is not trying to get into trouble or push your buttons. They are doing exactly what their undeveloped brain knows how to do.

• Practice patience and provide a lot of coaching along the way.

• Offer your toddler some “yes” moments throughout the day.

• Whenever possible, try to end your “no” with a “yes”—e.g., “You can’t have ice cream today, but we can try to put it on the menu tomorrow.”

While some situations will absolutely require a big “No!”, other situations can be avoided with a bit of foresight and preparation. For example, offer a choice of two vegetables at mealtime rather than just serving one vegetable. Look for ways to let the child choose, which will help them feel empowered and in control in a world of “No.”