The Power of Choice
There is something so powerful about feeling that you have options and some level of control over what happens in a situation. Having even a single choice can make the difference between joy and despair or between resistance and engagement, even when that choice is small in comparison to all the other elements we cannot control or influence. This rings true at all ages, including toddlerhood, where the world is opening to a child, and they are driven to explore it. In fact, giving toddlers options throughout their day is a crucial, almost magical way to help them exercise their independence, stay regulated, and comply with all the other rules and barriers around them.
This holds true at mealtimes and is a key component of preventing picking eating through the toddler years. But there are a few important guidelines for how you offer these choices, which can make all the difference.
1. Offer choices around actions and behaviors at the table—such as where to sit, how to get to the table, whether to serve themselves or have you plate the food for them, which utensils to use, etc.—as well as food options at each meal.
2. Don’t offer too many choices. Two options are often plenty for a young child if you are verbally offering something. When it comes to food options at the table, two to four options are reasonable. You can also have just one food (i.e., soup or pizza) for dinner but include two to four toppings to go in or on the main item.
3. When it comes to food options, it’s often best not to ask the child what they want ahead of time. You get to choose these, and your child gets to choose among the options you provide. Small children do not have the cognitive ability yet to set menus.
4. Only offer choices you are willing to honor. This means that you should not offer your child something that you can’t follow up on and deliver.
a. For example, if it’s time for dinner, parents commonly say, “Are you ready for dinner?” While this might not sound like a choice, it is a choice—you are offering the child the chance to decide if they are ready for dinner or not. Don’t offer that unless you’re not okay with them choosing, “Not ready, I’ll do dinner later.” Instead, consider the following choices in this situation:
“Dinner time. Would you like a piggyback ride to the table, or should we race?”
“Clean up time. Should we put the cars away first or the blocks?”
“Time for dinner. Would you like to sit next to me or mommy tonight?”
5. Try to avoid pitting a favorite choice against a brand-new or disliked choice if you’re hoping the child might explore the new or disliked item.
a. For example: If they love buttered toast but have not tried apples before, avoid serving a large piece of buttered toast with a small side of apples. They will likely ignore the apples entirely.
b. In this situation, consider serving apples with another food your child has eaten before but is still not consistently eating. Let’s say eggs, for example. This way, they still might not try the apples, but the comparison will likely help them decide to eat the eggs.
c. Alternatively, you might serve a small amount of buttered toast, so they eat a bit but don’t fill their belly, which makes them more likely to decide to taste the apple next.
6. Be ready for the child to reject all the options. This is normal. There will be times when your toddler yells, “No!” to all the choices you offer. This is expected. At that moment, be ready to respond calmly. Consider these two examples:
a. Say, “It’s dinner time. Would you like to clean up your toys in this basket, or should we put them back on the shelf?” Your child yells, “Neither!”
If this is a moment where you have flexibility, you might ask, “What were you wanting instead?” You might find that your toddler wants to keep playing.
In that instance, you might switch your offerings if you have some flexibility and say, “Oh, I see you’re not quite done. Would you like two more minutes of play or to go with me to the table now?” This gives them a tiny bit more time, and once those minutes are up, many kids will happily walk to the table with you.
However, if your child won’t, you might say, “Time is up, and I can see you’re still having trouble getting your body to the table. I’m going to help you put these toys away and bring your body to the high chair.”
b. You serve salmon with broccoli and strawberries for dinner and your toddler says, “Pasta!”
You can say, “I hear you, but we’re having salmon, broccoli trees, and strawberries tonight.” For limited language or a shorter response, simply say, “No pasta tonight.”
Then you might offer, “Would you like to help me find the cutest baby strawberry in the bowl?” Or “Do you want to serve yourself, or should I help you?”
If they won’t choose from those options, you can say, “Since you are having trouble deciding, I’ll help you.” You can put a bit of all three on their plate for them and then continue with your meal.
The choices can continue as the meal goes on. If they don’t touch the food, you might say, “I see you are still really upset about the pasta. You don’t have to eat broccoli, salmon, or strawberries if you don’t want. Would you like to sit on my lap or stay in your seat while I finish my meal?”
The goal is to help them calm down, stay comfortably seated at the table as long as possible, and ideally, to entice them to at least interact with the food in some small way—i.e., cut it, stir it, scoop it, sprinkle something onto it, etc.)—but not replace the food with something else if they choose not to eat it.
Don’t feel too bad if this feels a bit challenging at first. Remembering these strategies to maximize the power of choice for your toddler takes time. But the effort is well worth it. Strategic choices at the table can go a long way toward calm and enjoyable mealtimes.
Have a toddler teetering on the edge of picky eating? View our guides for Toddlers at the Table.
For more on picky eating, see our guides and course on Reversing Picky Eating.
Just starting solids? You can start to prevent picky eating now. View our virtual video course on How to Raise a Happy Eater.
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